A Baring Absence of Love

I’m not absent of feeling, I am absent of the want to feel because all you ever make me feel is pain and everyone sees it. A Baring Absence of Love… I want to see you bare, exposed, and naked as I have been; a show of love or at least I won’t be fooled.



~A Baring Absence of Love~

Take Me... Well

What are things I wanted you to say to me, back when I had more balls than brains; and all of me was dreaming. Take Me… Well; where is that lovers go… I wouldn’t know the first thing except that I wanted you to be my… well does it even matter anymore?



~Take Me... Well~

Just A Teddy On The Floor

I sat there, I let you, and I would do so again, be your toy fall in love with you again… as if I ever stopped. Just A Teddy On The Floor… my gift, I’m waiting for you but if I remember we never ever played before Sweetness, didn’t need me then or now.



~Just A Teddy On The Floor~

Sea of Electrons, An Air

No web cams, not streaming and it wasn’t even the day to day… for you but I treated this love as if you were right here with me. Sea of Electrons, An Air… I wonder how you were that day for me, it was as if I couldn’t breathe, no air, no air.



~Sea of Electrons, An Air~

Checkered Past

My background, my past, and the present; everyone wonders why I have no future or they don’t care to wonder. Checkered Past… does it matter black or white, in living color; what I am is what I am and that is exactly what you don’t want ever.



~Checkered Past~

Drowning In Because

Reasons, Excuses, and because; telling me why you don’t love me is as easy breathing and that is something that is getting harder and harder for me to do. Drowning In Because… my head is barely above water, my fault for still hearing anything.



~Drowning In Because~

Sea of Electrons, An Air

An air of pretty, was she

Dressed up, done up

Maybe in her pajamas

Her beauty wasn’t for me

Neither was her love

I was so dumb

Can’t breathe



An air of music, did she sing?

Her siren’s song

A love gone wrong

What she said to me

Be gone

It wasn’t so long

Can’t breathe



An air of feeling, where her fingers led

How I dreamed up her thighs

A keyboard saying, I wasn’t her guy

As if I was a monster like Fred

Why didn’t I die?

Did she lie?

Can’t breathe



An air of color, did her skin betray?

A blush of red

What we had said

Year and a half and then today

Not a shade led

Back to bed

Can’t breathe



An air of breath, how did she find, that final line?

Was it a sob?

Just told me to stop

And I said fine

A whole lot

What she wanted I was not

Can’t breathe



For there was not an air

Of love

Or lust

Just air

Not a must

And too much

Can’t breathe



In this sea of electrons



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Checkered Past

Jumped and thumped

Bumped and dumped

Across this board called life

Why must I fight



A game I don’t want to play

Anyway

But here I am today



With dreams to be king

Isn’t that the thing

A dream to win

I do but sin



And am made false

At such cost

Waiting for that final loss



Checked again and again

Where do I begin

To leave such a predicament

Confidence?



When I am surrounded

Astounded

Yet bounded



To head to the other side

Try and survive

This board

A want to be more



Than a drama queen

A king

I want to be…



Oh checkmate

I am far too late

Because of what is true

And what I was made into



That’s my ass

At last

My future is my Checkered Past



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 119 ~Drowning In Because~

Saturday, August 21, 2011



Hey Lady Lu...

Maybe I should be more concerned with my upcoming suicide… didn’t work before so I have serious doubts about this time; so many excuses, so many past lives. When I started to think about the past seems the only regrets I have are about love, sex, and girls… one particular girl, Chrissy.



Luna you know I don’t want to die; it just seems the easiest solution because life is only going to get worse from here. I could give you a million reasons why I need to do this and a million excuses to why I will fuck it up… not enough pills, a toilet turned green, somehow I always thought death would be easier, Bella was wrong. The real questions are why can’t I die, why do I continue with even this moment, and why is “Everyday Exactly The Same”



I regret that I’m not good enough, not worthy of love, not a worthy enough lover, and that those who I have chosen to love want nothing to do with me. It’s not like I can do it all over or start again, wouldn’t it only be the same “Hurt” girls, jobs, and life? Such is my whole suicide idea, if I can’t reset the game, if I can’t play it, if I can’t win it, matter of fact it makes me sick, I might as well stop playing Lady Lu.



The waters are already above my head and yet I keep fighting; what have I learned today… that I make too many excuses and I wish someone would just kill me already. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be on “The Dr. Phil Show” you know that final death knell, that final gasp of air, Drowning In Because.



LATE



Drowning In Because



A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Drowning In Because

A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

A Baring Absence of Love

To see it all

As I lie

Cry

And wonder why

You won’t fall



Across greenest grass

Money and power

Sunlit hours

Colorful flowers

Dirty without class

Muddy and ugly

Hug and snuggly

Will you still love me?

Or will you pass

Baring no love



Across rivers run

Tears and fears

Cheers and jeers

All the years

Waters and sun

Old and new

Will you be true?

Bare and nude

Or won’t be the one

Baring no love



Across blowing winds

Rumors and words

Other girls

This whole damn world

Above my sin

Will you fly so high?

And not lie

Never say goodbye

Or will you sin

Baring no love



It is not enough

To think so

Live with no

And be so low

While you bare no love



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Orange You Glad

I’ve never been one for fruit and I’ve been one for girls but the fruit is ripe but am I boyfriend ready; perhaps not, perhaps I never will be. Orange You Glad… you’ll never be my girlfriend or maybe you’re just looking for a bite, ouch.



~Orange You Glad~

Dollars, Words, Me... Can't Buy Me Love

I can’t buy your love, hers, or hers, so what is it I’m really paying for, what is it that I wish to take. Dollars, Words, Me… Can’t Buy Me Love; I need so very little and now I want so much and in the end, as always you will give me nothing.



~Dollars, Words, Me... Can't Buy Me Love~

Are You... Just A Girl

I’ll fall in love with you and then you’ll become something better, something greater, and I’ll find myself unworthy of your love. Are You… Just A Girl; no never and this is the reason you’ll never love me, no not ever.



~Are You... Just A Girl~

Looking Dim

My birthday is coming up; no better day to kill myself but I’ve been trying, multiple pill binges, starving myself, and The Abomination won’t murder me though he wants to. Looking Dim… so many candles now and yet my future is in darkness.



~Looking Dim~

Aloft My Love

I have placed girls on pedestals, on clouds of white, and even as stars in the sky; this is no different the fact she is so high above me. Aloft My Love… we never got to “hang” out but why is it I still adore her and reach out.



~Aloft My Love~

Goodbye Is My New High

Another fix, sleeping pills aren’t enough, starvation, hell not even a broken heart is enough for me to get off any more, a masochist wanting desperately to play sadist. Goodbye Is My New High… death has to be that ultimate high.



~Goodbye Is My New High~

More In The Closet...

No I’m not gay… relax, I guess I should be saying that to everyone but there is something in the closet but not skeletons, not yet. More In The Closet… more than darkness, more than loneliness, how about it ladies, any of you got seven minutes.



~More In The Closet...~

Before You Leave... Please Stay

There was a time I thought I convince a girl to stay, there was a time I thought I could convince a girl to follow too and here I am alone. Before You Leave… Please Stay; to think about if I could win her but I couldn’t win Sweetness.



~Before You Leave... Please Stay~

Carnal Learning

The lesson, how to love a pretty girl but having grown up I still don’t know how, I don’t know the first thing. Carnal Learning… how I once stared at this girl in class and another that made me realize that I still don’t know a thing.



~Carnal Learning~